You might remember the guest post my fiancé wrote about living with my chronic migraine, and how he needs to be allowed to hate them even though he's never had one.
I keep reading in one of my migraine support groups about divorces, whinging husbands saying their wives sit at home all day not earning money because they have chronic migraine, and very strained relationships.
It's a reoccuring theme.
It saddens me so much to think that on top of enduring horrible daily pain in your brain, right in your very soul, where 'you' are, there are people experiencing challenging personal lives. 10% of migraineurs have said that migraine has contributed to their divorce (source: Health Union).
Home should be a supportive environment, not one where you are belittled because of your condition, and in many cases, your disability (many people cannot work because of migraine). We just don't need the additional stress.
I found this - 'Me, My Girl and Her Migraines' - it's lovely to be reassured that there are supportive partners, that there ARE people in it for the long haul with us. That 'for better and for worse' really means that. There'll be some smiles between me and my man if that makes its way into our wedding vows when we marry next year.
I really hope those unsupportive family members are just that way due to lack of awareness, lack of knowledge and research on their part. But, if your partner has such a life-changing condition, you'd think you'd want to do all you can and know all you can to give yourself more chance of being able to help. The stress of having to provide an income for the both of you/a family can't help.
Some people will never understand, sadly, and that's partially through ignorance, or denial, that their relationship may never be what it used to be. But you can make it work, and you can live around it. You just have to embrace the changes and make the most of what you have, and who you have in your life to help you adapt.
If you have an unsupportive partner, talk to them. Educate them. Don't shout at them, they're probably frustrated enough and exhausted just like you.
Ask them to come to your appointments and meet your neurologist. Show them links you find on the internet. Share your journey with them - don't sit away from them and make them feel isolated, and make sure they get time out too. Caring for someone you love is hard work emotionally. Get your family around you as a support network to help you both out.
Make sure you have some 'you together' time too. Even if your partner is freaking amazing with you and your condition, you still should be aware that an open dialogue is the key to making sure your relationship can bear the stress of living with chronic illness.
My fiancé and I have code words for migraines. We use the 1-10 scale where saying whispering just a number when we're out in public/with friends so he can be aware we may have to go home/be prepared. He's now aware of my aura, what my drugs are, how to give me my injections, where my medical folder it, what my symptoms are, all my doctors' names and where they practice. I fully trust he has my back and this is part of being in a relationship.
When we go to hospital I don't have to say a thing (ha, maybe partly because the receptionist now knows me and shoves me straight in a dark side room!) He can tell I'm suffering just by looking at me and would never imagine accusing me of making it up/being lazy. But that last point is why we need to continue raising awareness. We don't have headaches, we don't bum around, we are not lazy. We have a neurological illness and if your partner doesn't understand, help them to. If they don't want to understand, ask yourself if they are a hindrance to your condition.
Most of all, remember that neither of you chose this life but you will be strong together and get through it together, should you both want to.