I'm at a festival this weekend.
My boyfriend and I have been sharing the usual happy 'look what a fab time we're having' images sharing event feeds onto my music magazine's social media where the Welsh lack of 3G allows.
Friday night saw us watching atmospheric music darlings London Grammar and naturally as a music bod I wanted to be right near the front. I've been to countless festivals and hundreds of gigs and that, for me, is where the magic happens.
Thing is, last year I was diagnosed with chronic daily migraine. Last year we were at this very festival - Festival No. 6 - and although already diagnosed, the event was much smaller, only being in its second year.
This year, there's a huge outdoor stage instead of last year's main stage being a big circus tent, clearly word has spread about how good this festival is and the event has multiplied in size to compete with its peers. This year it's boasting headliners such as Beck and Pet Shop Boys.
But how does a girl who has a migraine most of the time do a festival?
By not enjoying it.
Friday night's London Grammar saw me at the front cursing every smoker (why do smokers think that by blowing smoke in a direction, you can't smell it?), breathing through my t-shirt then legging it back to the tent when I couldn't take my symptoms any longer.
I wanted to go home. We have disabled camping this year. I feel guilty and am clearly in denial of my condition. We're camping right by the arena and I'm exhausted. We are getting lifts from the production buggies from stage to stage. I now have viewing platform access so I can sit through shows with a bit more fresh air... And several days ago I wouldn't have believed I needed this. I am worn out. And of course because I look perfectly able-bodied I get looks and comments every time I use a disabled loo.
Last night Beck from the viewing platform was more bearable but I could still smell the weed and fag smoke, that and stage lights set off my head again. Earlier yesterday daytime something else set my brain off and Mark had to practically carry me back to our tent. Yesterday I really wanted out of here.
Today we're at Sunday. It's relaxed so far, and I need darker sunglasses but I'm still here. Exhausted, but still here.
Now I'm scared. My body is denying me things my brain tells me I should still be able to do. The accessible camping team here are amazing. Thankfully as a VIP we get decent loos and a chillout place to go to right next to the main stages. But right now I feel like I'll be exhausted for all eternity. Live music was one of the only things I looked forward to, but recent I'm struggling to enjoy or look forward to anything. ANYTHING.
Constant let-downs and always living in the shadow of the next ice-pick-in-my-head kinda does that to you. How does one, for example, look forward to their own wedding next year? How does one see friends with having a hundred back-up plans?
But here, everyone else is walking around having fun and because certain things set my migraines off big-style (smoke is a recent development in my worseners, tiredness and stress being others), people doing the things they enjoy and are indeed free to do, are the very things constantly ruining my weekend. And that's even before we've seen Pet Shop Boys.