Dear Migraine Diary
I've been signed off work sick for 2 weeks. My consultant has changed my medication and suggested I take a break from my job while I adjust to my diagnosis and all the life-changing things it *could* entail, as well as my new medication - which seems to have made a huge difference! I'm sharp, I'm 'with it' - I don't feel like I've been drugged like I did with topriramate. My head hurts a lot less - is this the meds? Is this the time off work? Is it the ridiculous amount of sleep I am getting? Am I just having a good week meaning another 20 days of migraine is due at 4.40pm on Sunday?
This is the thing with migraine. Even when you're not suffering you live under its grasp, always watching and waiting for a sign that another is coming like the worst storm you ever saw, its rains washing away all your hopes and dreams in some tsunami only leaving you weak and bare to everything the world throws at you.
Last week I was really down, rock bottom. I was writing my notice to my boss in my head, wondering what would happen if I jumped on the next train to the middle of nowhere in Scotland to be all alone just to escape from the ache in my head. The consultant saw this on my face even before I mentioned that I could do with a break from my own life and ordered to me to take sick leave for a fortnight.
I've been distracting myself with art and writing about music but in the back of my head I am worried sick about what is going to happen to me.
But less of a hurty head, this is good news.
Now I'm stuck at home scared to travel too far alone in case I get struck down and I feel really stuck in the middle of nowhere I can't seem to get anyone to visit me during the week and it's adding to the whole depressing migraine melting pot which already contains a lot of Ryan Adams and a huge slice of my sanity. I'm visiting friends Thursday though and going away to Wales this weekend for some country air and, um, kitesurfing.
Still, The Migraine Trust have been sending a diary around to sufferers and here's my bit: I started it a week after diagnosis but then I took weeks to write the next bit.
Last week was Migraine Awareness Week and it seemed like a success... I designed this infographic for The Migraine Trust, which they put on their Facebook page and it received 195 shares from their page alone, some profile picture changes and lots of likes. It was a really nice feeling to help out. Something positive from spurtling volcano of crap that is my brain nerves.
I think I'm one of those lacking in employer understanding...they're very nice about it BUT how can my office change their lighting and entire set-up just for me? Not possible. I'm dreading going back to work and being made to feel guilty about the time off. About how every had to dig in and make up for me not being in the office (I'm a secondee so I can think of many retorts to that). I don't want to patronise and shove an employment advocacy pamphlet in my boss' in-tray.
Time off work, is it more stressful than being there and TRYING TO LOOK OKAY WEARING SUNGLASSES AT YOUR DESK?